It's Not You, It's Me

Amidst my frustration and disappointment with God, yes I get frustrated and disappointed with God at times. I took specific time to get in His presence and discovered so much about me that I hadn’t seen or maybe I did see it previously, but tried to ignore it. Think of it this way, God created us in His image and in His likeness. (Genesis 1:26) When we are in His presence it is like standing in front of a mirror, and we are able to see our imperfections and areas for improvement. Avoiding the mirror only causes one to live in denial, although denial is comfortable temporarily, it only delays adjustments that must be made.

Instead of always analyzing and contemplating how God does or doesn’t come through for me, I decided to think about how do I show up for Him? What kind of bride am I to my bridegroom?

Communication- No relationship can exist without communication. Communication of all kinds, including email, text messages, phone calls, and face to face connection are all contributors towards establishing a healthy relationship. I don’t always make God a priority like I should. Our conversations are quick, and the frequency of our conversations increases when I need something, or when issues are pressing in my life. Often times we don’t even have dialogues, but monologues and I do all the talking, and many times I don’t wait for a response from Him, but proceed to do things my way. When a text comes I respond immediately, when a phone call comes, I answer immediately, but when God seeks to call me, how many times have I let it go to voicemail? It is as if I have no regard for Your feelings. I am so busy seeing it from my perspective, that I rarely if ever even stop to consider your perspective.

Intimacy- When was the last time I held Your hand? When was the last time we were face to face? When was the last time we shared eye contact? When was the last time we had uninterrupted contact where You had all of my attention. When was the last time I made myself vulnerable and let You know that my mission was to please You, and You alone? When was the last time I let you know that I get satisfaction, from making you satisfied? When was the last time I preferred You over me?

Gratitude- When was the last time I said thank you for the little things? I take you for granted, as if you owe me new mercies every morning, breath, and a health. Even when You come through on what I consider “big things” (as if the things I take for granted I could have done myself) my thank you sounds like, “Good lookin out God” “Thanks!” If only the intensity of my asking and desire could match the intensity of my gratitude. I know You already know, but I still want You to hear it from me. No relationship can develop and flourish without reciprocity. So tonight I am coming back to say thank You. Far too long I’ve been like the 9 lepers who were healed and walked away, but tonight, I strive to be like the 1 who came back to say thank you and walked away not just healed, but whole. (Luke 17:12-19)

Initiation- If one party always initiates love, the initiating party begins to question, do they love me as much as I love them? As a result pride can set in, and both parties interact from a safe-zone based on fear. Now instead of unrestricted love, what you have is a chess match based on strategy, which comes from the mind and not the heart. Fortunately God you are not like man, You are love, and perfect love cast out all fear. (I John 4:18) Teach me how to love you, not the way I think you should be loved, but the way you want to be loved.

I will never forget the day you gave me my engagement ring, May 17, 1992. You gave me the earnest of my inheritance. You gave me your Spirit as a gift to let me know that we would be together forever. I even remember doing a message at the CWC Ashby location called, “We are meant to be Together” (Ephesians 1:13-14). As we get closer to the date of your return for me, Your bride, I don’t want the ceremony without the love. We do well in public, but I want to reach for you more in private. You deserve better. As I type with tears in my eyes, I want you to know it’s not you, it’s me. I am often afraid to acknowledge how desperate I am for you, because desperation leads to vulnerability and vulnerability can bring hurt. But, the fact is you roll model this self sacrificing love for me constantly. When I sin, I crucify you afresh, and yet you open Yourself back up time after time! No more excuses! You haven’t disappointed me, I have disappointed you. I love you Jesus, my heart beats for you. I am putting you back where you belong, as the first priority in my life, the object of my affection. KJV Psalm 63:8 “My soul followeth hard after thee: thy right hand upholdeth me.” You have chased after me, but now the hunter will become the hunted. As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. Jesus I love you.